Bong bong.
As just another young nword having thangs, I’ve been around a lot of fly hoes in chains and swangin’ thangs. Nowhere has this life been more apparent than working in a nightclub. It’s a whole new world. Alladin could feel me, bro.
Well, recently, as I stood at the doorway of the nightclub during the last Reminisce party, a young woman walked up to the door. This back and forth ensued.
Security: Can we see your ID please? And did you RSVP?
Her: Sure. And no I didn’t RSVP. Why did I need to RSVP?
Host: It’s free if you RSVP.
Her: How much does it cost without the RSVP?
Host: $10
Her: Is the promoter here?
*Panama looking to the left and whistling “Dixie” pretending he has no clue who she’s talking about*
Host: No.
Her: Well I’ve never paid to get into a club before. Ever.
Host: Why? Because you’re cute?
Her: Yes. Exactly.
Now, she might be telling the truth. It’s entirely possible that she has never actually paid to get into a nightclub before. It’s really not that hard to pull off as long as you get to know people. And superficially, an attractive enough woman is likely to get to know all the people who can make her wildest free dreams come true. But you know what happens as SOON as you tell people that you are indeed cute?
They start overly scrutinizing everything about you. This almost always never goes right for you. For obvious reasons. Human beings seem to have a particular appreciation for humility and a remarkable disdain for douchey, arrogance. Humans are funny.
But that’s exactly what happened. As soon as ole girl walked into the club (we got that $10) we immediately began attempting to discern whether or not it she actually was cute enough to get into the club free. It’s a dumb convo but hey, water is wet and Dwight Howard is doing rocket surgery.
Well her declaration got me to thinking of other statements that cause both immediate scrutiny AND immediate dismissal and a total pshaw. Basically, sh*t you really should just keep to yourself and practice some humility unless you want people to hate you and write you off immediately.
Like…?
Like…
1. “I have a big wang.”
No man should ever say this out loud. If you do, just do silent fist pumps. If you don’t. Do silent penis pumps. But stay silent. Silence, much like Jill Sott’s life, is golden. Real bad boys move in silence. Plus, there are only two options for this. And I’ve seen them both play out. Why? I don’t know, my life is way too entertaining for its own good. Let’s say you’re at a party and somehow you tell women you have a big wang. Well, some chick will inevitably ask you to prove it and you will. Probably cuz you’re dumb and think that if some chick sees your dong, some chick will want your dong. But if she judges you as a wee lad you’ll never hear the end of this. Point is fellas, just shut the f*ck up about your schlong.
2. “I’m smarter than you.”
I’ve had somebody actually say this to me once. Now, I’m no Rhodes Scholar but I know a whole lot about a whole lot. I read a lot of fortune cookies and cereal boxes. A ninja is learned. But the minute you lob that out into the ether, everybody will immediately hate you. Hell, you may actually be the smartest mofo lowdown around this town. Stephen “Voice Box” Hawking may call you for quantum physics consultations. But nobody cares if you keep telling us how bring you are.
3. “Hi. My name is XYZ and I went to Harvard (or insert any I’m better than you indicator)”
I once knew a b*tch named Mandy Mae. Used to be all in them guts like every day. And after that she said don’t talk to me like a child, I played Hamlet at Cambridge. What does have to the do with the price of onesies on Stratford-on-Avon? As soon as folks start lobbing out those qualifications that indicate some sort of superiority, well, I, you know PJ from VSB and Morehouse and of the not-from-Gary Jacksons, don’t really f*ck with you. That’s why I prefer Michelle Leslie Brown from 125th Street that plays ball by the park.
Those are four examples of things that are IMMEDIATE turn offs upon meeting. But I know there are tons more because I know folks have dealt with situations just like I dealt with on Saturday.
So what are you some immediate turnoffs that you’ve heard come out of the mouths of folks who were dead serious.
Talk to me.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. OH NO SHE DIDN’T OH NO SHE DIDN’T aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
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