This isn’t sexxy no matter how you slice it.
This has been an interesting week thus far. We’ve had a racial scandal/non-scandal seem to take on a life of its own in Paula Deen. The Supreme Court struck down a provision of law that barred same-sex couples from receiving federal benefits in states where same-sex marriage was legal (yay). The Supreme Court ALSO rendered obsolete a provision of law from the Voting Rights Act that is used to ensure, or at least attempt to ensure, that voter’s rights are indeed upheld, placing the honus upon a Congress that hasn’t seen lower approval ratings for its inability to do anything right OR collectively to ensure that all eligible people are able to participate in the democratic process. And this doesn’t even include the two NFL players being charged for catching bodies this week.
By the way, for those who don’t listen to rap, a “body” is a murder. That’s just the way that I talk, yo.
Well, lost amidst the insane amount of pertinent news this week is the fact that summer started. While we all accept Memorial Day as the unofficial start of summer (well that and the first big shooting/murder weekend in Chicago), the actual summer season begins on like June 21st, which is either the last day of #geminiseason or the first day of the season that comes after #geminiseason. I’d tell you what zodiac sign that is, but its irrelevant. #shotsfired
By the way, isn’t life grand? You can totally use # in writing now and anybody under the age of, say 40, will know what you’re talking about. I used to bug when folks used LOL in posts. So uncouth.
Moving on, well since summer is here, you know what that means? Yes, its the time for non-stop maxi-dresses (ha!) and women wearing less clothing. This is inherently a good and bad thing. There are tons of stop street harassment campaigns all over the place and yes, stop street harassment. So of course, women wearing less clothing means men go into more heat. The flip side is that I think, unless you’re in Chicago, men seeing women wearing less clothing brings a sort of calm to us. I know it makes me happy. It’s also a season when you see people attempting to get “summer right” – both men and women – and at least trying to tighten stuff up. This is also a good thing. Longer days of sunlight and excellent immediate and peripheral vision is the best workout motivation ever.
Which is why when I see sh*t like this my guitar gently weeps for Hour Eyes.
Courtesy of, well you know where…5 Reasons You Should Wear a Bikini This Summer No Matter What Your Size
Le sigh. Can we be real for a second, mmkay? Look, what you do in the confines of your home is your business. Really, it is. If you want to rub bacon and butter on your breasts or nuts before getting dressed for work because it makes you feel like a natural something, be my guest. Do you. It’s your world squirrel. If you want to try to squeeze your size HHH boob into a can of Comet, again, do what makes you happy.
[PJ Note - For the record I'm not one of those people who think that bigger people can't wear certain clothings or wear things that smaller women wear. If you can do something tastefully, then cool. I'm 'bout that life. I really am. If it looks good, go for it. Be sexxy. Just wanted to make sure this was stated and clear. No Snowden.]
But when you decide to bring your sexxy to the masses, that’s a whole different story. Now on the one side, I love people with a healthy sense of steam. Steam is great. That sh*t irons, b. However, know your limits. Everything in moderation. God said that or something. If you can’t wear a bikini, don’t wear a bikini. Some sh*t is just inappropriate. Like men rocking speedos outside of Olympic qualifying rounds and medal rounds. There’s just never a good reason to rock a speedo. Put on some shorts, dog.
According to the Clutch article, there reasons they list include, “because your body is beautiful.” Okay, this is subjective but I’ll go ahead and say that no matter your size, if you’re comfortable with your body, then hey, love yourself. That does NOT mean you need to spread love the Brooklyn way. It just doesn’t!
And just incase you might not believe that first tenet, “you don’t owe us beauty.” This is true. HOWEVER, just because you don’t owe anybody beauty doesn’t mean you owe people unbeauty. I ain’t saying that folks need to be beauty pageants. Sure I can answer questions without saying sh*t like, “…such as with unemployment…” but I know my body ain’t the best. I’m not going to subject you to it. I mean if you want it you betta ask me for it.
STOP STREET HARASSMENT.
Third on their list is, because you can find one that fits. I’m going to say this has to be true right? Which means that far too many (okay not too many people, your body is beautiful after all) give zero f*cks and decide that even though they’d never ever date somebody who looked like they do, they’re going to pretend like you should by wearing two shoelaces and a post-it note at 375 pounds. That’s that pretty girl rock.
“Because the more bikinis we rock, the more they’ll have to make.” This 4th reason might be the most non-sensical reason in the history of Clutch, and that’s saying something. So if you have no business wearing a bikini, you should wear one anyway, so that companies who already made bikinis you don’t have any business wearing will make more bikinis you have no business wearing.
The last reason states that “because you’ll inspire somebody else to love their body.” Hmm…so we’re specifically talking to people who normally wouldn’t wear bikinis because well, they have shame, something we all could use a little bit of. But instead of that, we’re going to tell people to let it all hang out so that we may all hang out happily. Clutch, Michelle Obama called, she’s not happy with you right now.
Look, all jokes aside, I’m all for everybody having a healthy self-image and sense of steam. I really am. Do you, boo. Just like with anybody, men and women, just don’t look a hot damn mess. If you can do something tastefully, then cool. I’m ’bout that life. I really am. I’m also not one of those people that think bigger women can’t wear similar stuff to small women. If it looks good, go for it. If you do, spruce that sh*t up. We all do it. Just yesterday I got botox in my ring finger to make that sh*t look more robust. Point is, caring about appearance isn’t vanity, its healthy. So if you don’t have a bikini body, respect that. Everybody ain’t able. I can’t wear a bikini and you don’t hear me complaining. Let’s all love ourselves appropriately. To that end, a fatkini should NOT be a word I know.
The lesson here, as always, don’t listen to Clutch.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. YEAH I SAID THAT SH*T aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
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